


never enough (always enough)

by cleverusernameloading



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 17:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13194897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleverusernameloading/pseuds/cleverusernameloading
Summary: Kanan doesn't think he's a good enough teacher. Ezra fears he's a disappointing student.They both realize that maybe, to each other, that's not true.





	never enough (always enough)

**Author's Note:**

> so i started rebels recently and it's!! so good!!! i love it. it fills a void left by me recently finishing the clone wars and i just. i love ezra and kanan. give ezra a father figure!! give him found family!! i live for found family!!
> 
> anyway, it's my first attempt at a fic for rebels (tho not for general star wars bc that was my original, very first fandom and my OC jedi fic i wrote when i was 10 is still dear to my heart) so i hope i kept everyone in character!! i did my best!! i love them all!!
> 
> also I'm not sure where exactly this falls in the timeline. I'm barely into season 2 so. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> a kanan who isn't real is very harsh to Ezra. if that's not for you, skip the dream section.

Kanan Jarrus is...frustrated.

Ezra's training is going badly, and he knows it. It's not exactly Ezra's fault, and it's not exactly Kanan's fault either, but something just isn't right. 

Teaching is _hard_. Kanan has gained a new respect for all the Masters at the Temple and, if not a _new_ respect per se, then certainly a stronger one for Master Billaba. It takes a lot to put up with a young person. It's even harder to try to impart important, even life-saving knowledge to them. 

Kanan can only tell Ezra that he needs to focus more so many times before he starts to feel like a broken holoprojector, but he doesn't know what else to do. He isn't even a Knight, technically, let alone a Master, and he had had _so much training_ left when the Order fell. Plus, he hadn't exactly pursued Jedi knowledge in the years afterwards. Kanan doesn't know everything he's supposed to know. So how is he supposed to teach someone else? 

He's spent hours with his Holocron. Master Billaba, among others, had stored plenty of information inside. Much of it is useful, and Kanan can't say he hasn't learned anything new in these studies, but nothing explains how exactly he's supposed to _teach_.

And he doesn't really know how to deal with this...bond? 

(He remembers the Master-Padawan bond he had had with Billaba, of course. He remembers it from the first moment he saw her, strengthening and growing and deepening until the last moment he had seen her and it had been suddenly, terrifyingly, completely destroyed.) 

Kanan doesn't want to let the bond be too open -- he doesn't want to allow Ezra to feel his constant uncertainty, frustration with himself, and sheer lack of knowledge. But he doesn't want to close it completely, all the time. That's probably not healthy for either Kanan or Ezra or for the proper development of a trusting relationship between them. 

So, really, Kanan's just _frustrated_. 

And letting both himself and Ezra down. 

He's never going to be enough of a teacher. 

* * *

"Concentrate," Kanan says calmly, watching as Ezra tries to levitate several small mechanical bits and pieces. "You're doing well. Good job." He lets his approval radiate freely from him, and he can feel the faint satisfaction as Ezra recognizes it.

"Put down all but three," Kanan instructs, then quickly adds, "Gently." Ezra smirks but does so. "Now, try to move each piece separately. No specific pattern, just each different from the others. It'll help you work on your fine control." 

Ezra frowns, narrows his eyes at the floating pieces of metal in front of him. They all move to the right, then the left -- together. "I-I'm not sure how," Ezra admits. "They all feel the same. Like I'm using the same thought to move them all?" 

"Focus," Kanan says, wincing internally because does he even know how to say anything else? "Try to keep two of them still and just move one." 

Kanan can feel Ezra struggle to follow his instructions, but it still doesn't work. "I don't understand," Ezra says in what sounds like the beginnings of frustration. "What exactly am I trying to do? Why am I doing this?" 

"You're working for better control, and-" 

_And I don't know how to help you,_ Kanan thinks to himself, feeling of a wave of his own frustration rising up. He know how to do it himself, of course, so why can't he _explain_ it? 

"Just put them all down, Ezra," he says in resignation, after realizing he doesn't know what else to do. "We'll work on this another time." _When I can actually be a good teacher_ , he doesn't say. 

A mood he can't quite recognize is growing in Ezra. It feels vaguely negative. "Okay," Ezra says. "So what now?" 

"Take a quick break, maybe get some food," Kanan tells him. "Then meet me outside for some saber work." 

Ezra's mood brightens a little at that, and he runs off. 

Kanan sighs. He has no idea what he's doing. 

* * *

Ezra's face is hidden behind his mask, but Kanan can basically feel the scowl beginning to grow as he slashes rock after rock. Kanan throws another, alters its path last second with the Force, and it slams into Ezra's arm. 

Ezra winces. Kanan winces in sympathy. 

The next rock is neatly sliced in two, but the next three all manage to pelt Ezra. Abruptly, the boy shuts off his lightsaber and lifts his mask. 

"Can we do something else?" he asks. 

Kanan is briefly taken aback, but gets over it quickly. He can feel Ezra getting frustrated, too frustrated, and it'll be good to reroute his energy into something else. "Sure, why not? Did you have something in mind?" 

"What about lightsaber-on-lightsaber fighting?" Ezra asks eagerly, and Kanan is about to agree when he realizes: 

He has no idea how to explain that either. 

He can do it, technically, but he's rusty and most of it is instinct by now and he can't really remember how Master Billaba had explained it to him but he knows it's more than he knows how to do. 

"Another day, kid," he tells Ezra. "Sorry." 

The frustration grows, from both of them, and Kanan retreats into himself, barriers quickly put up. 

He doesn't need to feel Ezra to know what a disappointment he is. 

"Sorry," he repeats. "Let's just be done for the day. I'm...tired. We can do more tomorrow." 

Kanan can tell Ezra is upset. The boy leaves without a word. 

Kanan kneels on the ground, tries to clear his mind enough for proper meditation. 

But he can't shake the feeling that he can't ever be what Ezra needs. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers one more time, feeling like the weight of his doubts is crushing him into the ground below. "I'm sorry." 

* * *

The next three weeks don't get any better. It seems like every lesson brings something that Kanan isn't good enough, isn't a Jedi enough to explain. Ezra learns quickly, and he should be advancing quickly as well. 

_And if he had a decent teacher, he would be_ , a stupidly persistent voice in Kanan's head always reminds him.

(Kanan ignores it better some times than others.) 

The worst part of it all is that Ezra is clearly avoiding him. Anywhere Kanan is, Ezra is decidedly not. He still trains, still practices, but he won't even look at Kanan otherwise. 

Kanan knows he deserves that, probably, but it doesn't mean he likes it. He just wants to _talk_ to Ezra, but he's not going to force his obviously unwanted presence on his student. Boundaries, at least, he understands how to handle. 

It starts to seem like Ezra is slipping, just a little, and Kanan isn't sure whether he's overthinking the darkening bags under Ezra's eyes, the dulling of his reflexes, the lack of attention he seems to have until he overhears Sabine asking Ezra if he's sick. Hera telling Ezra he needs to get more rest. Zeb advising Ezra that he's looking scrawnier than usual. 

There's clearly something wrong, and Kanan wants nothing more than to help his student, but he knows Ezra won't come to him. And he knows that, even if he does, Kanan probably won't even know what to do. After all, he never does where Ezra is concerned. 

So he keeps teaching Ezra, keeps letting the boy avoid him, keeps worrying. 

And keeps wishing that he could just be better. 

* * *

Kanan walks into the common area, hoping for some quick food and a strategy discussion with Hera. She's seated in the room, as he expected, and Ezra is too. 

"Morning, Hera. Ezra," Kanan greets. Hera smiles and stands, Ezra just lowers his head. 

Another concerning thing -- Ezra has been more and more closed to him recently. Kanan can still sense him, but without the clarity of an open connection all he feels is _turmoil_. 

Before Kanan can say anything else, Ezra leaves. Quickly. 

Hera raises an eyebrow. Kanan turns away, refuses to meet her gaze. He reaches for a ration bar. 

"I'm worried about Ezra," Hera says. 

Kanan sighs, sinks into a seat. This isn't the discussion he was hoping for, but it's apparently the one he's going to get. "You're not the only one." 

"I don't think he's sleeping much. I know he's not eating much." 

Kanan feels a pang of guilt, though he isn't completely sure why. 

Hera takes his lack of response as a sign to keep going. "He's angry and irritable and sad and he doesn't want to talk to anyone. And I know it's something that's going on with you two." She places a gentle hand on Kanan's shoulder. "I'm worried about you, too, you know. What's going on?" 

Kanan hesitates. "I...don't think Ezra wants to be around me," he says finally. 

"Well, I've noticed that. We all have. But why doesn't he?" she asks. "You're his teacher."

Kanan laughs, a twist of bitterness settling in his voice. "Well, I'm not a very good one. And I guess he's...he's figured it out. That I'm not good enough." 

"Kanan Jarrus, don't be ridiculous," Hera chides. "Why in the galaxy would you not be good enough?" 

"I'm not even a real Jedi. I don't know enough. I don't understand enough," Kanan says. He's been holding it all in for so long that now that he's talking it's just all coming out at once. "I did everything I could after the Fall to _not_ be a Jedi. I tried to forget and I forgot so much and I can't explain things to him or help him with things because I either don't remember or just can't figure out _how_ and I'm trying, Hera, I'm really trying but I know I'm letting him down. I know something I forget is going to make him realize that he doesn't want to learn from me anymore, and I'm afraid he might end up dead because I can't teach him the way a Jedi should be taught." 

There's a long pause as Hera thinks and Kanan tries in vain to fold in on himself and disappear. 

"Kanan," Hera says finally, "I don't want to sound harsh, but...the Jedi are gone. Maybe they'll come back and maybe they won't, but right now? They're gone. Ezra isn't going get a traditional Jedi education, and I don't think he needs one. He just needs _you_ , Kanan, teaching and guiding him and helping him however _you_ think is best. You're not perfect, but nobody is. Teach him what you know, and maybe you two will learn some of what you don't know together." 

"What if I forget something important? What if he decides he doesn't want me to teach him anymore?" Kanan asks, trying to keep the slight tremor out of his voice but probably not succeeding. 

"I don't think you'll forget anything important." She sits next to him and rubs his back soothingly. "And you should know by now that Ezra really admires you. Just because he's frustrated doesn't mean he doesn't want to learn." 

Kanan is not completely convinced, but he does feel slightly better. "Thanks, Hera," he says. "I guess I just need to stop overthinking it." 

"You sure do," Hera agrees. "And you also need to talk to Ezra about this, because I don't think the rest of us can stand being in the same ship as you two being so mopey for much longer." 

"I will," Kanan says, and he means it at the time. "Thanks again." 

"Anytime." Hera smiles and heads for the cockpit. 

* * *

Kanan doesn't talk to Ezra. 

He knows he won't be able to handle it if he can see Ezra's disappointment with him face-to-face. 

So they train, and they barely speak otherwise, and it works. 

And it hurts.

* * *

Kanan is sleeping peacefully, a rarity. He dreams of the Temple as it once was, of Master Billaba, of a time when clones were friends, allies, brothers and their very voices didn't bring him fear. 

In the back of his mind, faintly aware he's just dreaming, Kanan knows the sorrow will be back when he wakes up. But for now, he is at peace. 

Until, suddenly, everything changes. 

Master Billaba's knowing smile vanishes, replaced by darkness. Kanan looks around in confusion until he sees Ezra talking to...Kanan? Another Kanan? 

"Ezra?" Kanan says, or tries to say, because his voice makes no sound. He tries to go to the boy, but he can't seem to get any closer. 

"Kanan, I-" Ezra starts to say, but not-Kanan cuts him off with a glare. 

"I don't know what your problem is, Ezra!" not-Kanan snaps, and Kanan feels a sinking feeling in his stomach. "You can't do anything well enough. You're never even going to be a _decent_ Jedi, and you can just give up now on being a great one."

"That's not true!" Kanan yells, but there's still no sound. It doesn't seem like Ezra knows he's there, only his double. 

Ezra shrinks back into himself. Kanan realizes he can feel Ezra stronger than he's been able to in weeks. He can feel all of the boy's _fear sadness anguish_ and tries to reach out to Ezra, but he just _can't_. 

"I'm sorry, Kanan, I'm so sorry, I promise I'm doing my best." The slight hitch in Ezra's voice hurts Kanan to the core. He just wants to be able to stop this, but he's totally helpless. Kanan feels anger start to rise inside, anger that this not-him is hurting Ezra, and wonders if this is why Ezra hasn't been doing well recently. 

"Well, your best obviously isn't good enough, is it?" Not-Kanan crosses his arms and glares at Ezra. "I should just give up on you. It's not like you're going to amount to anything." 

"I can try harder," Ezra says. 

Not-Kanan slaps Ezra across the face, and Kanan's anger _spikes_. But he's still frozen, trapped in silence, and all he can do is watch. 

"You're a disappointment," not-Kanan tells Ezra flatly. "I should just leave you behind on one of these missions. It's clear you aren't capable of enough, and it's not like anyone else on this ship would miss you." 

Kanan can feel waves of _hurt anger betrayal_ surging from Ezra, and, underneath it all, a sense of _it was going to happen eventually_. "Ezra," he whispers. He tries to send feelings of comfort to Ezra, but he has no idea if the boy can feel him or not. 

"Just leave," not-Kanan says. "I'm tired of seeing you." 

The negative emotions from Ezra grow more and more intense until they abruptly cut off. 

Kanan wakes up. 

He's confused for a moment until he realizes that he must have ended up in Ezra's dreams, somehow. 

Kanan feels sick. Ezra has probably been having nightmares for weeks. He wonders how many are like that, how often Ezra has been told by a Kanan who isn't real that he isn't worth anything. 

He can faintly sense Ezra moving through the ship, his mind still a mess of emotions, and Kanan immediately gets out of bed. 

He needs to find Ezra and actually, finally, talk to him. 

* * *

Kanan can feel Ezra's hurt as soon as he steps into the storage bay, and he feels his chest tighten in sympathy. 

"Ezra?" he says softly. "It's Kanan. I want to talk to you." 

There's no response. 

Kanan makes his way around the crates until he finds Ezra, curled up against a wall behind a large stack. His arms are wrapped around his knees, his hands gripping his elbows with white knuckles, and it looks like he's just trying not to cry. 

Kanan sits next to him. Ezra immediately blurts, "I'm so sorry." 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Ezra," Kanan says softly, but Ezra shakes his head. 

"You were right. I'm not good enough and I never will be and I'm sorry for wasting your time." 

Kanan raises a hand to place on Ezra's shoulder, and the boy visibly flinches, a spike of fear breaking the sea of troubled emotions. "Please don't hit me again," he whispers, and Kanan comes to a terrible, terrible realization. 

"Oh, Ezra," Kanan says, feeling the guilt of something he didn't even do wash over him. "You do know that that wasn't...me, right? It wasn't really me, I would _never_ hurt you. It was just a dream." 

"But I could sense you," Ezra insists. He lowers his head. "You were there and you were angry at me." 

"I was...there, kind of, but I couldn't talk and I couldn't move, and that wasn't me who said those things." Kanan moves closer but doesn't try to touch Ezra again. "I wasn't angry at you. I was angry at the...not-really-me who was hurting you."

"But you were right," Ezra says quietly. "I'm not good enough." 

"That's not true," Kanan immediately objects. 

"It is!" Ezra exclaims. "I can feel you get frustrated and angry every time we train. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm not good enough." 

Kanan realizes that he's made a terrible mistake. Their bond has been left open enough that Ezra can feel when he's frustrated, but not enough that he can tell that Kanan is frustrated with himself, not his student. 

"That's not true," Kanan repeats. "You're plenty good enough, Ezra. That frustration, it's...it's not at you. It's at me." 

Ezra doesn't say anything. Kanan doesn't think the boy believes him. 

"It's hard to teach," Kanan says. "I don't know how to explain some things. I don't even remember the details of lightsaber-on-lightsaber fighting forms. I get angry with...with myself because I don't know how to teach you, and you deserve better. But I'm not angry at you, Ezra. I promise." 

Ezra's mind quiets slightly. Kanan slowly, carefully opens his own mind so that Ezra can feel his sincerity. 

"You're a good student. You'll make a great Jedi someday," Kanan says. "And nothing you heard in that dream was true." 

Ezra suddenly closes the distance between him and Kanan and pushes his head into Kanan's shoulder. Kanan hesitates, uncertain, because Ezra doesn't usually initiate physical contact, but then slowly, gently, lifts his arm to put it around Ezra's shoulders. 

"I was so afraid you didn't want me around," Ezra mumbles. "That you'd...you'd leave me too." 

"We all want you around," Kanan reassures him. "And of course I'm not going to leave you. Even if I wanted to, do you think Hera would ever let that happen? You're part of our crew now, kid. Our family." 

Ezra's mood brightens a little more, and he (somehow) gets even closer to Kanan. Kanan raises no objections. "You're a good teacher," Ezra says after a pause. "I'm glad you're my teacher. I've learned a lot." 

"I'm glad," Kanan says, because he can feel Ezra's sincerity too. The doubt doesn't vanish, but it fades a little. "I'm doing my best too." 

Ezra nods slightly. Kanan can feel Ezra's exhaustion pulling in the back of his mind. The kid is already starting to doze off, he realizes. 

"Let's get you back to bed," Kanan says. "Come on. Up you go." 

Ezra yawns, accepts the hand Kanan uses to pull him up. Kanan ends up half-carrying Ezra back his room, but he doesn't mind.

"Hey, Ezra," Kanan says right before Ezra enters his room. "I don't tell you enough, but...I'm proud of you." 

Through their bond, Kanan feels _disbelief_ then _acceptance_ and then, finally, _happiness_. Ezra smiles, though it's slightly ruined by another yawn. 

"Thanks," Ezra says, and Kanan is about to walk away when Ezra pulls him into a quick hug. "Thank you for everything," he says into Kanan's chest. 

Kanan just holds Ezra for as long as the boy wants and lets his feelings of _peace affection pride_ speak across the bond for him. 

Ezra finally lets go and goes into his room. Kanan goes to his own bed. 

His sleep is, again, peaceful, and he can feel that Ezra's is too. 

* * *

This time, when Kanan enters the common area, Ezra doesn't leave. He gives Kanan a small smile and returns to eating -- with great enthusiasm, Kanan is happy to note. 

Ezra finishes the last of his food and then asks eagerly, "What are we working on today?" 

"I'm going to try to help you with...lightsaber combat again," Kanan says with only the slightest hesitation. "I'm not sure how it'll go, but I'll try. Go get ready and I'll be outside in a few minutes." 

Hera walks in as Ezra brightly says, "Okay." He quickly cleans up and leaves. 

"So you two are all good now?" she asks Kanan once Ezra is well out of earshot. 

Kanan considers for a moment. He still has doubts, and he's sure Ezra does as well, but they feel much less intense now. They feel overcomeable. Teaching still won't be easy, but he can do it. 

"Yeah," he replies with a smile, peace in his heart. "We're good."

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first decent sized piece of writing in a while and I'm happy i finally managed to finish something!! please let me know what you think, kudos and comments are always appreciated, and hopefully you haven't seen the last of me in SWR!!!


End file.
